This morning it dawned on me that I aways feel down on Labor Day weekend. An emotion I think carried over from childhood at the end of summer break. When I hit an emotional low I start to question everything. The thought process goes as follows: This can NOT be all the shit I’m capable of. There has to be more to life than the grind of work, bills, fix issues (relationship, kids, house), sleep aaannd….. repeat. So many things feel out of my control.
I begin to disect my cloud. By all accounts I have many things in my life that are in perfect order – roof over head, relationship, healthy kids, and a job – check. But I’m in no mood to be grateful. I have zero interest in any meditation that shows me how to “let go” of my shit. I don’t want to let go. I want to own my sadness. I want to cry a little, or a lot. If I wasn’t so tired I would rage. I would rage through my house that needs to be cleaned. Raging takes quite a bit of energy so I’ll just sit here….write….consider my cloud and decide exactly how dark I want to let it get in here.
A so-called holistic girl’s thoughts begin to take over: I should have done better and why didn’t I? I don’t have the answers to move forward. I can’t see the light.
Through the clouds I know the negative thoughts are not my true reality. They’re quite a pile of bullshit that I use to slide into a negative space.
Summer is not my thing. There are some high points like having the kids around more often (also responsible for some of the lows). Summer time does make it easier for me to eat the healing foods I love. In the beginning of the season the longer days feel right. Especially so if my mood is up. It gives me more time to create and express my best me. At some point in late July the weather starts to push back at me. My body shower’s me with humidity restrictions that keep me hostage indoors. If I catch a cool night to take in summer’s stars and moons I pay the next day with symptoms of humidity headaches and being short of breath.
In the last weeks of August I begin to notice my disorganization. The house has too many piles. Stacks of shit I’ve given myself permission to ignore in honor of some theory of summer fun I’m not having. Since the humidity won’t break I’m inside with the four walls caving in. The clutter pushing closer. It looks (and makes me feel) like chaos. I have back burnered errands that are weighing me down. I feel bad about it one day, and the next I whisk those thoughts away with the pour of a summer drink. Tying to let it go. I wake up the next day and the list is there, along with something else to add to it. Oh those summer drinks. Too many this year that tightened my summer clothes. I miss my Uggs
My thoughts turn to “I’m messy, so I must be a mess.” And I find myself in the spiraled head of Tracy.
I need the kids back in school. Their routine becomes our routine. I need the house quiet at night and awake during the day. No more mid summer’s long nights when they’re up way too late enjoying what youth and summer break is supposed to feel like. The life I wanted for them, I’ve given to them, but now I need it to stop.
Although I want to have desperate fits of despair and replay everything that’s hurt me over the course of this summer, I know better. I know that meditation and candles quiet and center me. Even if I don’t fix it today, even if there’s no immediate “enlightenment-bolt” that stikes me today, I know tomorrow will be better if I get still.
I’m not giving up chocolate though. I can’t get too nuts.
I browse my collection of mediations and Reiki music and find myself at the beginning. The very mediation that started me on this path of wellness is my new middle. I feel pissed because I think of myself as a holistic novice, not a perfect enlightened soul, but certainly I’ve put in the time. Yet, here I am – a little confused, sad, uncertain. Places I believed were long behind me.
I remembered the first time I found The Intuition Physician. She introduced me to the theory and practice of Grounding which I love to do in the Fall. She also has a set of 5 videos that talk about the cycle of health, healing, energy and staying in the flow. Loosely titled:
Nurture, Release, Open, Connect, and Create.
I think they’re helpful for the stages of ups and downs that most people go though, I know I do, and this time it seems like I hit a hard low.
My message is I’m many years in to a holistic practice and I’ve found myself right back at the start. There is no perfect in a holistic practice and it certainly doesn’t mean that life can’t get you down.
I can see a distant glimmer of things that are new. I’m hoping and staring at Fall, and the possiblity of getting outside again, feeling renewed, changing to colors more deep, and foods more rich. Yes, that might mean pumpkin everything. I want my gut to speak to me again with the richness of knowing, security and trust.
I think it will. Holistic tools are my foundation of evolving and creating a life for me and the exquisite people I’ve chosen to surround myself with. We’re all starting to hear the buzz word “tribe” meaning the closest friends and family who you let inside. I get it, and I have that. I have reasons to move forward.
If I have to start at the beginning again that’s exactly what I’ll do. Soon the leaves will change and so might Tracy. I’m up for a new direction. Bye, for now, to the ocean and the waves.