It’s been quite a while since I’ve felt this tired. My body is used to swings in fatigue level. I know my limits and how far I can push the endurance of this skeletal system. In fact, I know all my systems too well. However today’s reality is that I’ve leveled up. Not in a fun gaming sense of achievement but in intensity of “dis-ease”. The tenacity of this condition has the advantage right now and it won’t be ignored.
My eyes can’t see this font. But in the grocery store parking lot I can see how far away the front door looks. I hate the insecurity of wondering if I can make it.
Autoimmunity waves over me. Medically I have never been “lab sick enough” to be formally diagnosed. What that means is that I have numbers that aren’t in a normal range but they don’t show which autoimmune disease I have and therefore how to treat it.
I’ll do it myself. I’ve been here before. During my last medical appointment my specialist said to me “You’re not sick enough yet. I’ll follow you for a while with more labs and tests; then this thing might show up”. Becoming sick enough to make her job easier was not an option.
Knocked down, pushed off balance by this vague but vicious current. Even sailors say “We cannot direct the wind but adjust the sail”. And by the way, I don’t care what my diagnosis is, and I don’t need the lab or doctor to confirm when I feel less than well. I see my bright red face, and the hives light up a room after a meal; telling me that histamine is having a party.
Autoimmunity puts you to bed tired and wakes you up just a little worse. Autoimmunity doesn’t like you to eat but you will gain weight only to mysteriously drop it later (and then some). I’m prepared, I own 3 sizes of clothing for the ride.
How did this current flare happen?
I blame the internet, the news, the fun and the sadness. I blame the fear and the longing and the way I love hard. Concerts, and family, errands and checklists that erode me just a little if I’m not careful. And while having one of these “invisible diseases” isn’t my fault the truth is: I know better.
Bad food choices create fatigue that limits my ability to shop, prepare and plan for good food choices. Vicious circle. But to beat this thing, or at least stay ahead of it there isn’t a choice. Whole foods prepared at home feed our systems for efficiency.
Getting quiet in meditation is the best way for my body to tell me (yes, it speaks to me) what I need. Concert noise (I’ve been to two in three weeks), even though was so much fun has dulled the senses to my own heartbeat. That’s the beat I need to hear right now.
I need long hours of rest and days of my own cooked food. I need to disconnect from the news, not from humanity and not in a way that leaves me ignorant or irresponsible, but in a way that allows me to spare some of my voice.
Otherwise, I’m just pieces of her. I’m here to be whole.
My calendar shows I only have 2 more weeks of work then a week off. I’ve been toying with the idea of a flight to Boston. Ocean City New Jersey is right in my back yard and I know there’s an overpriced rental that could have my name on it. If I’m gettin real with myself the girl needs a stay-cation.
<< Stomping feet, screaming “I want to play! Life is too short to stay home!” >>
Acceptance and awareness are my sunrise and sunset right now. Otherwise there’s nothing in the middle.
The heat is getting to me as my body can’t seem to regulate it’s own temperature. I have a vagus nerve that loves to slay me. I need central air, candles and farm fresh produce. I’ll play with great books and drink more healing teas and less martinis (dammit all!). Short trips in small doses for now will have to feed my soul if I feel trapped. I think I can win this little battle.
I have the recognition of it down to a science. Getting in front of bullshit has always been a little gift of mine. Learning to see my own has been more of a challenge.
I’m tired but I know how to fix it. Some plans I’ll need to pass up on in order to move forward. Taking it down a notch is my new list of “things to do”. Of all the projects I’ve ever wanted to accomplish assuring myself of optimal health is the only one that matters today.